The twisted briars cloud my vista

I only see the dark and tangled past

It’s upon me the 3 horsemen

It’s crowding me

Drowning me

Making me twist and feel like I’m failing

Flailing, shivering in my nest.

I stop. I stare. I implode. I scream.

The journey of my youngest feels

Like a weighted stone and doubles

The pain of my childhood.

I see my mother’s wrinkled face and don’t feel love.

I don’t feel compassion. I don’t feel joy.

I only feel sad. Sad like a bag of rocks weighing me down.

It slips into my childhood disease and makes my stomach churn.

My cheeks burn with embarrassment. I feel guilty, I feel shame at this.

I have to resolve this.

I need to move through it.

I can’t go under it.

I can’t get over it.

I need to go through it.

I try and see open doors but I only feel brick walls.

The prospect of drowning in this is a fingertip away but I need to find a path which allows me to see the wretched past and the matriarch and allows enough light in so that the flowers can bloom. So that I can become the mother to my 2, that they need me to be. So I can be brave. So I can let it go. I am not my mother. I have time to be a brave mum to my 2 as they need me to be brave, to fight for them. To be their advocate. They chose me to be in their lives and I will get on these horses and I will pound down the walls and find those open doors.

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