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We Are Family

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Category:
Dad

65 posts in this category

Kissing

My partner and I were kissed as children by both our parents (which isn't as obvious to some as we may assume) and we don't think twice about it with our sons. In fact if I stop and consider it at all I would say that we saw it as a bit of a short cut to bonding and attachment and a way of showing them that we were open emotionally to them right from the start.

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Dear Sons

We know you think that it is tough on you, but it's clear that you don't see that it is not easy for us either.

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Positive, Positive, Positive.

I have been blogging for a while now and reading back over the blogs that I have written I realise that I have somewhat focused on the negatives that we are experiencing, and thinking about that I guess it's not too difficult to see why this is so.

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Wonderful Reassurance

A year or so after our boys joined us and we became a family we had a call from the agency to say that another couple were in the process of adopting siblings and would we mind being put in touch with them to discuss our experience and how things were working out.

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Being Older

Adopting in my 50's means that there is little doubt that I am an older (and the 'er is me being kind to myself) parent.

Being an older parent has made me acutely aware of the negatives that age has wrought on my body, aware of every ache and every pain and aware of my inability to run and jump and play with my sons for long periods - as I would have been so capable of even a decade ago.

Yet -

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Mum

Both our boys on occasions have called my partner and I 'Mum', as we are both men it has surprised us and we have considered it long and hard.

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Listen Closely

 20150716_102245I recently met a beautiful and totally delightful 11-year-old girl who at the age of 10 - after a long and very difficult struggle - had finally managed to make her parents realise and accept that the male body she was born into was wrong and that she was indeed female.The parents shared with me the terrible time they had coming to terms with this reality and how they now realise that they had seriously failed the child that they loved so very much for so long because of their own ignorance and prejudice.They explained that their resistance to accept the truth had caused the daughter so much unhappiness and distress and that it had resulted in her becoming ill and developing stress-related alopecia and then how it had simply gone away once they listened to her and allowed her to be the person she knew herself to be.As a parent this conversation touched me greatly. And as a parent of a child whose genes I do not share maybe even more so. It made me realise the huge responsibility we have to listen to our children and to respect that they have a voice, to comprehend that they may not be the 'mini-mes' we want them to be, nor the people we expect them to be and, most importantly, that it just can't matter.Whoever they are and whatever they are is a fact. We can teach them to understand and appreciate social mores and expectations and we can equip them to be the best they can possibly be within the framework that society lays down, but we can't stop them being who they truly are. And even if we could, what on earth right would we have to do so?We can educate our children to understand and appreciate our lives and the way we live them, but we can't change their being to suit us, to suit our extended family, to suit our friends, our neighbours, our religion. Maybe we can influence them, maybe we can bully them into our ideals, or to meet our expectations or our beliefs, but does that change the people who they truly are? Or does it just result in them hiding their true selves to meet our selfishness, potentially confusing them and no doubt making them hugely unhappy in the process?I wonder how many of us parents can look back at how we were brought up - and what we inevitably bring into our own parenting to some degree - and recognise just how strongly we were expected to live up to our parents’ expectations and how wrong that was for us.I for one wish that I had been able to stand up for myself and say - 'NO, listen to ME. That is NOT me, that is NOT what I want and that is NOT who I am' - but as a child I was never given that chance, was simply chastised for trying to be true to myself and made to feel guilty for disappointing my parents’ impossible expectations.Of course we have to make sure our children know right from wrong; we have to make sure that they are good citizens who abide by the law and respect others as they would wish to be respected. It is our responsibility to arm them well to take their place in the adult world, but surely only as the adults that they know themselves to be.I now look back and realise that over the years I have been around a number of parents who I think did wrong by their child/children by forcing their own 'needs' or their own agenda upon them. That has left me as a parent wondering if I will be able to hear my children when they need me to, if I will really listen to them when confronted with something that I would struggle with or simply does not suit my expectations.I certainly hope that I can and if required: I truly hope that I do. Of course for their sakes - but equally for mine.P.S. I guess it is not going to be as easy as I had hoped it would be. A short time after writing this, I was having a conversation with a parent about their child (who has been privately educated) not wanting to go on into further education, and I found myself saying, “Well of course he has to go to university. The investment you have made has been huge and what will his future hold without a degree?”. To which I was quite rightly told “I know my child and he is not remotely academic. This is not about money; it is about him knowing himself and about me respecting that”.

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Thank goodness for the parent group!

We soon realised - and it was a shocking realisation - that we were in it over our heads. We had listened intently at the prep' course, read copiously, had scoured the internet, picked the minds of the experienced parents around us; we thought we were prepared. However, can anything truly prepare you for the impact of an adopted child coming into your life? Especially when a child displays the trademark behaviour of a traumatised child?

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Independence days

I grew up in the 60's/70's and had a pretty idyllic childhood in the English countryside. My oldest memories are of playing out with a friend of the same age, the pair of us wondering around alone in the village that my family moved from when I was just 5. We moved to a small town and my siblings and I played out alone from the day we arrived, this included playing in playgrounds, on farmland, building sites and also at the beach (as well as in the sea) which was a 2 mile walk from our house and a journey we undertook on foot quite regularly.

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