There is a strong current in our society to fix our surroundings.
Mainly if they evoke negative feelings. Or if someone just sticks out.
Like my son who likes ballet. Eeeeuw say other five year olds, quick
learners. Even adults are stunned. Really? Whose idea was that?? Karate
sits better. With boys. But not with girls. We may let these things go.
As just not important. We stand up for our children when they are the
odd one out. That’s not too difficult, if it is only the after school
What’s more difficult than to keep brushing off unwanted advice is the need to fix raw
emotion. Especially anger. I can get angry about stuff. And I can rant.
My husband and son can attest to that. And then I just need to vent and
rant till I am done. I don’t need the ‘oh, well, never mind’ or the
myriad of variations on that. I just need it to be acknowledged.
my husband too. He once shared something with me that really troubled
him. And when he finished I ventured how hard it must have been. For the
other person. His eyes widened in incredibility. Without a word he
turned on his heels and walked out of the room. I thought I’d opened the
discussion. When in fact I just shut it down. Oh well… I’ve made many
similar mistakes. So it’s not like I don’t recognise the urge. To
advice, gloss over, change subject, to keep it light. As we grow up we
learn to swallow many a camel. Of un-aknowledged anything.
It’s just that I’ve just about had it with blooming fixing. It stands in the way of so many things. Mainly relationships.
‘NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND’ my son will shout if I’ve assumed I know
how he feels. Assuming too much, or even at all, if talking to an upset
person, is just adding fuel to the fire. Pouring gasoline on the fire.
‘Sorry, you’re right. I just tried to fix it. I’m sorry.’
‘Is that a question or an assumption?’ Is an effective, if firm, way
of getting things back on track. Depending on tone it may be a downright
F U. It generally is.
I’ve learned to defend or deal with unwanted comments and advice. For
the most part. I assume people mean well. I assume positive intend.
I’ve made a mantra out of it. I sing it to myself when I meet ignorant
or rude people. Lord knows I can be ignorant and let’s hope only
But sometimes, just sometimes, ignorance just really gets to me. I’m reaching another saturation point.
At the moment it is about the finer details of adoption. Please
don’t say it’s all normal. Or that you best friend in childhood was
adopted, and you know exactly what it means. ‘He will hate you when he
grows up. Because you are not his real mum’ ermmm whatttt? ‘Just you
wait. He will.’ And don’t get me started on thing like ‘So he has been
with you for 4 years? Then he’s fine. He has forgotten everything.’
Next time you feel that urge to jump in with your opinion. Next
time you need to interrupt to get your point across. Try to pause and
listen. Don’t correct. Just hear it out. Chances are you may learn
something. I tell myself this too. It’s hard. I know.
Ok. Chances are also you’re not interested. You’re just trying to cancel out the noise. Fine. I’ll move on.
But if you are dealing with my son, and hurting him by insisting you know better, soon it’ll be me who shouts
‘NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!’
Please don’t pretend that you do.
And please don’t just put me down as a fuzzy overthinking mum. Who reads too much. That most definitely isn’t the whole story.
It really does at times feel like listening is too much to ask.
I’m still working on myself on this one. And continue to shallow
insults borne of ignorance. Often I’m itching to have the last
word. Or explain so people will understand.
Oh well, never mind. They probably won’t. Probably never will.
Really?! Is this where this ends?