A few months after our sons moved in we went to visit a dear friend who was dying, he had arranged for somebody to buy presents for the boys, he engaged with them and he gave them lots of attention. Even though he was very poorly and in quite a bit of pain he made every effort to smile and welcome them and he clearly left an impression.
Although they saw him only once again they still remember him and
talk about him, as far as we know this was the first death the boys had
experienced and we did our best to be totally honest and to give them as
much understanding that we felt their 5 & 6 years merited.
Of course they had questions, some simple matter of fact queries,
others quite deep and difficult to know how to respond to. The most
difficult was in response to my saying that death was very natural, that
everybody dies and it wasn’t something to be afraid of. To which our 6
year old asked ‘so are you going to die and leave us Daddy?’. They had
been with us for just over 6 months at this point and we had been
reassuring them almost daily that we were a forever family and that we
will always be here for them.
The temptation was of course to say no, which is no doubt what he
wanted and maybe even needed to hear, but instinctively I maintained the
honest approach we have when confronted with any questions from our
sons and said ‘yes of course like everybody else I will die’, but added
that hopefully it will be a long time from now when they are both grown
up and maybe have families of their own. This appeared to work and
seemed to put his mind at rest.
However, the subject of my death did raise its head in little remarks
here and there quite a few times over the next couple of months, which
made me realise that it was clearly something he was still thinking
about and was possibly worrying him.
Eighteens months later the boys experienced another death and this
time is was much closer to home when my sister died, she had built a
wonderful relationship with the boys and they both thought the world of
her and in fact our youngest seemed to have a particularly close bond
with his special new Aunty.
Again lots of questions which we answered as honestly as we always
have. However 18 months older meant that their questioning had a little
more maturity behind it and that they were less willing to simply accept
our answers at face value.
My ‘when you are both much older’ was now met with ‘how old Daddy?’
And my response of ‘when you are grown up and both men’ resulted in
uncharacteristic on the spot mathematics and them pointing out that I
would be nearly 70 when they were 20 and that people died much younger
than that, like their Aunty who was only 53.
More attempts at reassurance and I pointed out that both their
daddies (we are 2 dads) ate well, that we didn’t smoke, that we drank
very little and that we were reasonably healthy which meant that there
was nothing to suggest that we would not live until we are in our 80’s
and that by then they would probably have children of their own. I also
pointed out that their other daddy is almost 8 years younger so would
likely be around a lot longer than me.
Again we could see them considering this and then with rather a glum
expression we were met with ‘our uncle is older than Aunty and she died
first’ A slight pause and then ‘and what if you both die together, who
will look after us then?’
At which point we caved in and all our principles disappeared as I
replied ‘Don’t be silly, that is never going to happen. I am sure that
you will always have both of us and that we will always be able to look
after you’.
Not the thruth that I put so much value in of course, but not exactly
a lie either. Most importantly though it was clearly the reassurance
they both needed as our deaths have not been mentioned since.
